When you read the title of this book what came
into your mind? Be honest, was it having sex?
When we think about making love, we think about
more than simply having sex; to us, making love is a total experience. Did
you know that a look, a touch, or a listening ear is the basis for making
love and connecting physically? You can indulge in these activities with
your partner during the day, or at work – anytime for that matter. Having
sex is the easy bit. Relationship and relating takes up 90% of the rest of
In this book we will show you some of the
illusions about relationships, including the illusion that someone else is
responsible for making you feel what you feel. And the illusion that
relationships are not easy. What is different then about this book? Most
self-help approaches offer good solutions from within the conditioned
pattern of illusions. Eliminate the illusions and relationships are easy.
Furthermore, we do not focus on dysfunction; we
focus on growth, and helping people really make contact with each other from
a place of inner self-awareness. We want to talk to people’s strengths
rather than their weakness. So we won’t be discussing past trauma or fear of
abandonment; we deliberately focus on resilience rather than pain.
Very few people consider kindness, affection, or
tender touching as making love. If they did, it would translate into
abandonment: how do we get rid of the kids? Where are the
toys/books/movies/clothes? In this book we talk about our relationship; it
is full of affection and love and is continually growing, even after thirty
years together. We are just an average couple deeply in love. But we are
outwardly affectionate, and we have clear views on love, relationships, and
We are not talking about the feelings of love
and infatuation that we might experience when we first meet that special
someone. You know the kind of thing: for the first two or three years all
the touching and feelings of affection are normal, healthy, and natural. We
want to look at what happens when familiarity enters the relationship. When
you have children and careers. Then what happens to your lovemaking? What
happens after fifteen or eighteen years together?
What you read in this bow we have lived
for thirty years. What we are sharing here is not some new theory, or new
way of relating; it is a way of life. Our sincerest hope is that you are
able to feel the affection and love we have for each other, and carry it
into your own life. We have done our time. But we have successfully
maintained genuine love, mutual awareness, and complete joy in our marriage.
After thirty years together, three children, and now grandchildren, we have
become a little streetwise.
We don’t consider ourselves to be ‘in love’ in
the way that most people understand the term. We are each other’s best
friend, and it feels normal to us to be totally focused on each other, and
to be affectionate each day. And this loving kindness and intimacy can lead
so naturally to making love, because sex is just another aspect of this deep
We thought that was how all couples related, and when we realized this wasn’t the case, we wanted to share our experiences and what we have learnt from them. One of the most important things is that showing affection outwardly is a powerful factor in maintaining a relationship; it can even restore harmony to a disharmonious relationship. What is more, showing affection daily in a loving and harmonious relationship leads naturally to deeper connection.
When we make love every day, we just see it as
showing our affection for each other. Part of the day and its movement and
flow; like waking up and getting dressed, and having breakfast and going to
work. We have not formally researched this book, but have learned through
our own experiences. You have only to look and observe others and they will
soon teach you what not to do, what does not work, will not work, and has
For example, we see that some couples are in
conflict, while others just co-exist, with absolutely no connection to each
other at all. Daily routines and work have become the priority, and the
caring and affection are virtually non-existent. Some people are more in
love with the idea of having a partner, but cannot relate. There are
relationships based on drama and issue solving, others where couples seem
emotionally immature. There are shallow relationships that would break like
a twig, and some so heavy with baggage from the past each partner seems
incapable of truly accepting the other as they are. And the
non-communicative ones, the unfaithful ones and the on-again, off-again
Of course there are a large number of couples
about that seem happy. They have two jobs, run the kids to school, money,
annual holiday, and the normal 3-4 nights a week of love-making,
kiss-on-the-cheek, and pat-on-the-bum sort of affection. They have fond
feelings of love for each other, and they seem to be the lucky ones.
We feel very strongly that people in troubled relationships should talk and listen to successfully loving couples, rather than asking friends and acquaintances how they fixed their problems.
Furthermore, we feel that it takes only one
partner who is willing to change. By empowering the best aspects of what you
do have, rather than focusing on all that is wrong, you can restore order
even to a rocky relationship. What are we saying about communication that is
different? We believe there is a universal level of communication based on
affection, kindness, caring, and respect. This is important – not just in
relationships – but also in how we conduct ourselves in business, religion,
and with other human beings.
Much advice makes long-term relationships sound
like hard work. You have to constantly remind yourself to take the time to
buy flowers, talk, or turn the TV off. But in our personal experience it has
never been hard work, or a matter of having to remember anything. The point
we want to make is: keep it natural and easy. It is about being affectionate
and focusing on your partner every day.
Rarely do we see open displays of affection, except for young couples sucking on each other’s lips and hungrily groping each other like there is no tomorrow. What we want to talk about is affection. By this we mean showing supportive body contact, by resting one’s head on the other’s shoulders, by holding hands, or by putting an arm around the other. It really is the little things that mean so much. We feel sad that we rarely see a departing kiss, or hear kind words about someone’s partner in front of others. Usually if you see any kind of affection it is goal-oriented, or the consequence of having resolved some conflict or huge fight.
We are talking about in-your-face, obvious, beautiful, affection and tender physical touching. The sort that makes it quite obvious that you are deeply in love and are not afraid to show it. The sort that makes passers by smile.
Yes, we make love everyday. When we told the
kids that we were writing a book called How to Make Love Every Day
they said, “For god’s sake don’t give us a copy. We don’t want to know. Too
Our kids think we are from another planet for sharing this.
”It’s not normal,” they tell us. ”Get a life, or go to the pub and talk about normal things.”
But this book is really about affection and the deep feeling that we both have, which can honestly be summed up by this: I married my friend and we are always discovering our differences. What a wonderful journey.
Please understand right from the beginning that we are not professional experts on sex therapy or relationships. There are plenty of books available that discuss these things. This is our story and includes our observations. We have looked out on the world at other couples, as well as people not in relationships.
A sincere request to our readers: if you are in a relationship now, don’t try to fix anything any more, just read the book. Live the few simple rules given, and see what happens to your current relationship, even if there is a huge conflict and no resolution seems possible. We believe you will find a solution here, and it takes only one person. There simply has to be a total shift of focus. It is not true that you have to work at relationships. The work, if any, is on you – not the relationship. You don’t have to have issues or dramas. It should be easy and fun.
If you read this book and recognize some aspects, and then find yourself saying, “Oh, he doesn’t do that” or “She needs to change,” please remember one very important point: this book is directed totally to you, the person reading the book. What are you doing? What is the quality of your affection and kindness? How much are you actually doing to make this happen in your life and relationships, including your relationship with your children?
Please be clear that we are not addressing abusive relationships in this book. This is a different problem. There is a lot of help out there for coping with and moving out of these situations.
In no way do we claim to be a perfect couple. We are an average couple, deeply in love, and outwardly affectionate, with clear views on relationship, affection, and love.
We would love to share our personal and professional experiences with you, and show you that family and business life is enriched through love – when open displays of affection and caring are the predominant factors in your life. We also show that focused, attentive attention from an affectionate caring base can – and will – overcome relationship issues, personal history, and challenging life situations
It may seem naive and simplistic in some ways,
but we believe that kindness and physical touching enable couples to
overcome any problem that may arise. You can learn verbal skills and
relationship techniques, but that silent smile, touch, or any sign of
affection says far more to your partner than any conflict resolution
methodology. That is our opinion, and our experience.