Introduction
 

When you read the title of this book what came into your mind? Be honest, was it having sex?
 

When we think about making love, we think about more than simply having sex; to us, making love is a total experience. Did you know that a look, a touch, or a listening ear is the basis for making love and connecting physically? You can indulge in these activities with your partner during the day, or at work – anytime for that matter.  Having sex is the easy bit. Relationship and relating takes up 90% of the rest of your time.
 

In this book we will show you some of the illusions about relationships, including the illusion that someone else is responsible for making you feel what you feel. And the illusion that relationships are not easy. What is different then about this book? Most self-help approaches offer good solutions from within the conditioned pattern of illusions. Eliminate the illusions and relationships are easy.
 

Furthermore, we do not focus on dysfunction; we focus on growth, and helping people really make contact with each other from a place of inner self-awareness. We want to talk to people’s strengths rather than their weakness. So we won’t be discussing past trauma or fear of abandonment; we deliberately focus on resilience rather than pain.
 

Very few people consider kindness, affection, or tender touching as making love. If they did, it would translate into abandonment: how abandonment: how do we get rid of the kids? Where are the toys/books/movies/clothes? In this book we talk about our relationship; it is full of affection and love and is continually growing, even after thirty years together. We are just an average couple deeply in love. But we are outwardly affectionate, and we have clear views on love, relationships, and mutual caring.
 

We are not talking about the feelings of love and infatuation that we might experience when we first meet that special someone. You know the kind of thing: for the first two or three years all the touching and feelings of affection are normal, healthy, and natural. We want to look at what happens when familiarity enters the relationship. When you have children and careers. Then what happens to your lovemaking? What happens after fifteen or eighteen years together?
 

What you read in this bow we have lived for thirty years. What we are sharing here is not some new theory, or new way of relating; it is a way of life. Our sincerest hope is that you are able to feel the affection and love we have for each other, and carry it into your own life. We have done our time. But we have successfully maintained genuine love, mutual awareness, and complete joy in our marriage. After thirty years together, three children, and now grandchildren, we have become a little streetwise.
 

We don’t consider ourselves to be ‘in love’ in the way that most people understand the term.  We are each other’s best friend, and it feels normal to us to be totally focused on each other, and to be affectionate each day.  And this loving kindness and intimacy can lead so naturally to making love, because sex is just another aspect of this deep bonding.
 

We thought that was how all couples related, and when we realized this wasn’t the case, we wanted to share our experiences and what we have learnt from them.  One of the most important things is that showing affection outwardly is a powerful factor in maintaining a relationship; it can even restore harmony to a disharmonious relationship.  What is more, showing affection daily in a loving and harmonious relationship leads naturally to deeper connection.

When we make love every day, we just see it as showing our affection for each other. Part of the day and its movement and flow; like waking up and getting dressed, and having breakfast and going to work. We have not formally researched this book, but have learned through our own experiences. You have only to look and observe others and they will soon teach you what not to do, what does not work, will not work, and has never worked.
 

For example, we see that some couples are in conflict, while others just co-exist, with absolutely no connection to each other at all. Daily routines and work have become the priority, and the caring and affection are virtually non-existent. Some people are more in love with the idea of having a partner, but cannot relate. There are relationships based on drama and issue solving, others where couples seem emotionally immature. There are shallow relationships that would break like a twig, and some so heavy with baggage from the past each partner seems incapable of truly accepting the other as they are. And the non-communicative ones, the unfaithful ones and the on-again, off-again ones.
 

Of course there are a large number of couples about that seem happy. They have two jobs, run the kids to school, money, annual holiday, and the normal 3-4 nights a week of love-making, kiss-on-the-cheek, and pat-on-the-bum sort of affection. They have fond feelings of love for each other, and they seem to be the lucky ones.
 

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